It’s Your Turn to Pitch!

Hey, gang, I don’t usually post on Tuesday’s, but I thought I’d throw a curve ball atchyas!

So, VB Tremper has been working over her logline (and it’s pretty darn good, IMHO!) and wants to share…so check it out & add yours to the comments–heck, we can give each other some feedback along the way!

Sine I’m rewriting TB, the YA dystopian (oh yeah, I tossed the whole thing and am giving it a real plot ;)), I’ve rewritten a pitch too. It’s rough–like super rough–but what the hey, it’s a start.

My pitch: In a world where vaccine-induced immortals languish in eternity, seventeen-year-old Justin Talent’s blood may be the one thing that will bring them to life. Justin must risk everything–his life, his family, his people–to help the immortal who harmed him.

M’kay, gang, whaddya think? (Don’t forget to head over to VB’s blog.)

12 comments on “It’s Your Turn to Pitch!

  1. vtremp says:

    Yeah! Thanks for participating, Laura!

    What do you mean by languish and bring them to life? Are they like sleeping vamps? And how did the immortal harm him?

    You’ve definitely changed the plot! Love the conflict!


  2. Amparo Ortiz says:

    I agree with V’s questions. But other than that, this baby sounds like something I would read 😉

    Wish I could join you gals in the logline festivities–still brainstorming ideas for the next WIP. But I’m with you in spirit!!!

  3. elisajeglin says:

    Thanks for sharing your pitch. I can’t wait to see what others have written since I haven’t done mine yet. ;p

  4. Ciara Knight says:

    I would pick the book up now!! I loved it. I will admit I stopped at the word languish. Can you write mine now? LOL I’ll have to try mine out later over at VB’s blog. 🙂

  5. Thank you for the link to another writer. Both of you have excellent loglines, precise and informative. Thank you for sharing…

  6. J Fritz says:

    I like it because it actually tells what’s going on, but I think it should be more specific. Like V, the immortality thing makes me think of vampires, but I’m not really sure. I’d like to know how Justin’s blood will bring them to life (literally? metaphorically?) and why he’d risk his family to help an immortal who harmed him.

  7. lbdiamond says:

    Thanks for the feedback, y’all. I’m in the midst of a massive rewrite, so this is akin to my rough draft pitch, lol! I appreciate all your thoughts and will definitely keep them in mind when I revise this! 😀

  8. I think it’s great. A real catchy one!


  9. Nice pitch! Cool how you worked in “Talent’s Blood,” if that’s still the title.

    Just a few suggestions/questions. Have you changed the premise since posting on WriteOnCon? I thought the Sharpies were scary and chased humans. The line ‘languish in eternity’ makes them sound weak.

    Don’t think you need the word ‘eternity’ since ‘immortal’ implies it. It feels like something is missing between the two sentences, but I can’t figure out what it is. I like how you say what’s at stake, but am not sure what leads to him helping an immortal. What’s at risk if he doesn’t help the immortal?

    Here my first draft pitch for my current WIP, Blink:
    At age 17, Lexi Ripley is the only female werewolf hunter. She is blood-sworn to protect her town even if the Order and her fellow Hunters have little faith in her ability. Lexi proves her worth in a battle against a pack of werewolves led by the one that killed her predecessor.

    • lbdiamond says:

      Thanks for the feedback! This is very helpful. Yes, I’m rewriting the entire novel, so some things have changed. 😉

      I like your pitch. Lexi is a warrior, but vulnerable b/c people don’t really think she’s up to it. Interesting premise. Definitely a good foundation. I’m wondering if specific details could be added, like how does Lexi prove her worth in battle? Why is she the only female werewolf hunter? Why don’t people have faith in her? Why should she keep going if no one believes she can do her job anyway? (You don’t have to answer all these questions, of course, but there just some of the things I wondered while reviewing you pitch.)

  10. When I see “In a world where…” my brain immediately starts reading in a cheesy movie trailer guy voice. That may be just me, although I have many (non-writer) friends who also read that phrase in a humorous way.

    My only other comment echoes what people have already said. “Languish in eternity” is a little vague, and I don’t know what it means. I also was surprised at the word “harmed,” because I didn’t get the info that Justin had been harmed before. Maybe the mention of blood was supposed to give this impression, but I didn’t take it that way.

    It sounds like a super awesome book! I would love to get more specifics in the pitch, because I’m very curious. It sounds really cool. 😀

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